“I wish I was beautiful or at least wise, but I’m simply mad and violent.”

—	Courtney Love

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“I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.”

“I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.”

-Franz Kafka, The Metamorphosis

Some days, I sail through a calm portion of the sea, and some days I sailed through strong current waves. This week has been quite a roller coaster kind of ride, in the sense that I've been fighting with depression and self loathing, thus, surviving dull days and procrastination. 

Mixed episodes, I hate it. I am a kind of girl who's not gifted in putting my thoughts and feelings into written words, hence, I try my best.

I feel so alone, I've always felt this way I guess. 

I can't understand myself nor explain myself to anyone and even myself. I hate this too! The perks of having bipolar disorder.  It sucks.

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Epitome of high and low.

I have been vocal about me having Bipolar here in my blog, but haven’t really  discussed it or gone beyond the meaning of it. Once in for all I want to be honest, to dig deeper. So why am I doing this when I owe no explanation to the world? I really don’t know. Maybe to give hope? To inspire? Or increase the awareness of some? hmmm. And no, I don’t want any sympathy or something. This is my blog anyway, you can read or keep scrolling down. It’s up to you. 

Bipolar disorder — sometimes called manic-depressive disorder — is associated with mood swings that range from the lows of depression to the highs of mania. When you become depressed, you may feel sad or hopeless and lose interest or pleasure in most activities. When your mood shifts in the other direction, you may feel euphoric and full of energy. Mood shifts may occur only a few times a year, or as often as several times a day. In some cases, bipolar disorder causes symptoms of depression and mania at the same time.

Type II Bipolar Disorder- You may have an elevated mood, irritability and some changes in your functioning, but generally you can carry on with your normal daily routine. Instead of full-blown mania, you have hypomania — a less severe form of mania. In bipolar II, periods of depression typically last longer than periods of hypomania.

(Mayoclinic)

I don’t know when and how it started. But all I know is I had a shitty high school life. I was bullied by classmates and some teachers, I fell in love, I was a wallflower, Insecure, I was weak. To sum it all, it was so fucked up. When I entered college, it gave me hope, I’m finally out of hell that is so called high school. It was a fresh start, until I experienced my first ever major heartbreak, also some of the high school teachers were gossiping about me (cos my ex was one of the faculty’s son) and yeah it sucks. I had a total breakdown, I barely slept and I barely ate. Just imagine when Edward left Bella and Anastasia left Christian. I have attempted suicide one other time but I’m not sure I was as serious.  This was a completely thought out plan, down to what I wanted to be wearing, how I would be found and what I was going to say, what could be my funeral like.  I couldn’t conceptualize the entire piece but knew the end result and was very very at peace with it so I took the rest one step at a time. In a way I lost faith. But believe me, the fear of doing the biggest sin and going to hell haunted me. But in time I learned to stand up, I was happy again. I had a wonderful support system which I’m truly grateful for, friends to cousins to my parents.

It was in my second year when I noticed or acknowledged what I really am feeling. I am happy then I become sad all of the sudden, high and low, I become hyper and the next thing I can’t seem to work my butt out. It’s like a roller coaster ride, the world spins madly on. I think it was there all the time, the rapid changing of mood, I just haven’t entertained or noticed it.

It was one time when a friend showed me a book and pointed out the signs and symptoms, it was true, though I was in denial. Then I agreed to see a doctor, a psychiatrist (which btw is my aunt). I can still remembered my first session with her, I cried real hard, I was pouring my heart out. I felt better afterwards. And she prescribed me meds.

3rd year. Then I fell in love again, and after a few months he broke my heart. I was desolate and heart broken. The girl wouldn’t drop the issue, she keeps on nagging me. I don’t know what her problem is. But I was glad it happened, you know him dumping me for her, they deserve each other. 

Also, I wasn’t performing well with my studies, it started when the patient assigned to was the mortal enemy of my grandpa. I wanted to push the tube down to his throat, but I can’t do that. It’s wrong. And some of my CI’s are bad people, scary. I became uninspired. The environment in that department was awful, it wasn’t healhty for me. I hated what i’m doing, I hated some of the CI’s and most of the batch mates. I was thinking, I didn’t pick Nursing in the first place, I am not the one whom to blame why I was in that situation.

Over the summer, I spent my days thinking and thinking. Then I decided to drop Nursing, I transferred school and shifted course. And thinking now, i’m glad I did that, it was the greatest decision I’ve ever made. Also, that summer is the beginning of my new life, I met Ali. I was happier than I could ever be.

Of course Ali and I also have had ups and downs, a roller coaster ride I must say. We came from a different culture, world. It was not easy adjusting, not just for me, but for him too. I was driving him mad and crazy too, but in the end I’m truly grateful for he stood by me, he never gave up. He’s still by my side until now. He is simple the best. I couldn’t be any happier!

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I really went through hell. I was in the epitome of both. I was a wrecking ball. But look at me now? I’m still alive. And I have learned a lot.

For all what’s happened, I became stronger than ever. Yes, it was a difficult long kind of ride, but it’s worth it in the end. I learned to know my self more, my limitations, capabilities, to be patient. I learned to become independent, to trust myself little by little, to trust my loved ones. I went through hell before I got where I am now. I’m happier now you see. But believe me, I get depressed from time to time too, it’s just a matter of coping and effective management.

So…

If you’re depressed, an emotional wreck, have any emotional illness/disorder… Please don’t lose hope! Have faith in God and to yourself. Yes it’s not easy, and it may take long, but please be patient. It’ll be worth it in the end. In order to surpass a problem, you must go through it.

Don’t be ashamed. Sometimes it’s okay to step out of your room, to open up to your mom and dad, to trust the people who are by your side thru ups and downs, to seek help from a doctor. Yes, medicines can help but at the end it’s still up to you to decide. We live in a difficult cruel world, you have to be tough and strong!You may get down on your knees, mud on you hands and feet, but you must learn to stand up and wash away all the negativity. It taks a lot of courage. And patience. Having a disorder/illness is NOT a hindrance in living a happy and fruitful life!In the end it’s your choice. Carpe Diem. 

Think of this: If I made through it, you can too! You are a lot stronger than you think!

"But I believe good things happen everyday. I believe good things happen even when bad things happen. And I believe on a happy day like today, we can still feel a little sad. And that’s life, isn’t it?"  

 -Elsewhere by Gabrielle Zevin

PS: Thank you for listening reading. Sorry for bashing some negativity in your dash. But I hope I enlightened you a bit. And thank you for not judging me.

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Losing A Best Friend

By: MILA JARONIEC 

When it happens, you won’t want to believe it. You’ll take their word for it when they say they’re busy, swamped at work, “just doing me.” You’ll make excuses for them, put your ringer on extra loud in case they call. But you’ll still feel the change, and because you can’t rationalize it, you’ll try to ignore it.

It’s a specific kind of loneliness that hits you like a wave of nausea. When the two of you are having a beer and you realize that you have both been staring out the same window for twenty minutes, nothing to say, the opposite of a comfortable silence. When they cancel plans consistently and stall when giving you reasons. When you scroll through your contacts and stop at their name and almost call but don’t, feeling suddenly, inexplicably, abandoned and confused.

Sometimes there’s no huge fight that marks the end of a friendship. No falling out, no major disagreement. Sometimes it just falls apart for no good reason. Distance. New relationships. Priorities. Somehow these things can become more important than your connection; they shouldn’t but they do. And as we get older we tend to downsize, prioritize. Trim the corners of our lives, keeping what’s important and discarding what isn’t. Sometimes we stop needing people in our lives and it isn’t even conscious. No one wakes up in the morning actively thinking “Hmm, I think I’ll stop being friends with so-and-so today.” It just goes out with an empty fizz, like a cigarette hitting the bottom of a Coke can.

In so many ways, losing a close friend is worse than losing a lover. Lovers are transient for the most part but friends are supposed to be there for you always, or so we like to believe. Friendship is a special kind of love that’s not supposed to fade. You never expect the one person you thought you could always depend on to disappear without saying goodbye. And when they do you feel sickeningly stupid and cheated, wondering what you meant to them all along, whether you were just convenient or in the right place at the right time. You never really know for sure.

You look through pictures from back when you were happy — holding each other up drunk and ecstatic, working on art projects on a rainy Sunday afternoon — and can’t understand what happened. Reach for the phone. Attach a photo to an email, start the subject line with some fusion of “Remember this?” and “I miss you…” Get suddenly overwhelmed by a horrible emptiness and discard the draft, leaving the phone untouched. History. So much history flushed down a dirty sink.

And the worst part is, you don’t even know how to explain yourself. You know if you bring this up with them they’ll give you a blank expression and a blank excuse. You don’t want to explain how you feel. You can’t. You just want them to get it, to read you like they used to be able to. You want to take them by the shoulders and shake them, screaming Where are you? What happened?! Until you’re blue in the face. But you can’t do that either, because you’re no longer on the same level and it’s going to make you feel crazy.

In life, it’s a given that you will lose people. People will flow in and out like curtains through an open window, sometimes for no reason at all. But losing someone important to you will feel like a suckerpunch every single time, and you’ll never see it coming. Which makes the friendships that dohold out, the ones that make it through countless breakdowns and breakthroughs and changes and years, so damn important.

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Series of Misfortunes.

• Never in my life that I feel that I belong, lucky, or a winner. I've never won or achieved anything, not a medal nor a trophy, a standing ovation, not even in a giveaway. I consider myself the most unlucky person in this world. I feel so worthless.
• I feel so down, mostly average. For the fact that I am never good at anything, but I wish I'm good at something. Like how Nada is passionate and skillful about fashion, Inky on her music, even Camie on her witing/blogging. I tried many: violin, drawing, even writing... But it's just not for me. I badly want to tell my love that I want to play the violin just for him, but I can't anymore, for the reason that I really don't know how to play with it anymore, he won't believe me.
• I'd rather live with answers, not questions. I deserve it. When friends leave you hanging, left without saying goodbye, you'll feel cheated and stupid. All those years, moments, memories they put away to waste just like that. It's sad. In reality, I feel the anger inside me for what they've done to me. Friends are supposed to be there for each other through thick and thin. Maybe that's what we're supposed to believe in, it's all lies. They're cowards! Cos they can't tell it straight to your face. 
• I need answers. So that I can wish them well, bid our friendship goodbye and move on...
• Sometimes I think I want to be in an accident. NO, I don't want to die. But I just want to see who really cares for me and who's there through my dark days. But then I realized, I was operated last year cos of appendicitis, only few are those who visited me, mostly relatives and few friends. 
• I feel so stagnant. I am watching my friends move on with their lives and realised how far they have gone, and how long I’ve stayed from where I am now. Maybe it’s because of how the odds were never been inn my favor, or how I suck in decision making, or my fears. It’s like i’m stuck here, but I hope not!
• I hate myself for being fat and not having smooth radiant skin. I hate the world that we live in right now.

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